Why I Believe

Why do people hate me?

They scream, and yell at me, and all I can do is stay silent. Tears flowing down my cheek, Pain flowing through my head, their Hurtful Words pounding through my brain, waiting for my very skull to crack open.  They say they’re trying to help, but it doesn’t feel like that.
It feels cold. Bitter. Painful. They tell me I’m bad, I’m a waste of their breath, I’m hopeless. They don’t understand the pain I’m in. Each and everyday,

Suppressing smiles, Hollow laughter, Faded words.

That’s what I am a lost cause, a Failure. They yell at me even more when I cry, they don’t understand. When I cry I want comfort not you destructive insults. They break my Heart and tear at my Soul until the pieces are too small to see. You don’t notice the Suffering, blinded by anger. You don’t understand that I have tried my best. You tell me to look for help, that I can’t do it on my own. They call me Stupid, Lost, Unworthy.

Then you speak of the one person whom shines brighter then any star in your mind. The Perfect human being, so smart he could outwit Albert Einstein. You speak of him as if he was a god and I was the unholy fly hidden by his shadow. Because that’s all I will ever be a tiny fly, zipping through the sky, waiting for its time to be crushed between the hands of a much Bigger Better Person.

“If you like him so much just be with him then!” I like to scream back at them, “Disown me, Leave me, here to crumble like, I knew you always wanted to do!” I want to scream and yell back, see how they like it. In reality I run and hid, in the comfort of words and songs that I have come across over the years. I want to leave it all behind, the Pain, the Sorrow, the Anger, and enter the world, run by words and lived through pages. Hid behind the words and sentences. Lose myself in the lyrics, and instruments.

I look at my books and music, which have grown to be like mother to me. The hug me with their words and sounds and say,” Come here, my forsaken child, for I shall bring Comfort, Joy, and Hope to this world full of Sadness and Lost Children.” They calm me and bring me a whole new life behind the ashes. They persuade me to stay and forget the emotions I have left behind the cover. The saddest part is when I have to close the book leaving the emotions I have come to love and miss stuffed between the pages, and have the horrible hit of reality bring back the pain and suffering.

Suppressing smiles, Hollow laughter, Faded words.

That’s how I live, and I am getting sick and tired of the constant disapproving stares, the unnecessary commentary, and the inability to congratulate me for doing something good! Sometimes I feel like yelling back, letting it all flow out, breaking out of my shell, but I know it will only make things worse.

People don’t understand Pressure and Fear like I do. I Fear that one day I will give up to the Pressure.
I fear that the darkness will swallow me up, infect me, and never let me go.

That’s why I read so many books or why I listen to so much music. That’s why I prefer being alone, where no one can touch me, or hurt me. That’s why I write, I draw, and why I believe in Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny. They teach lessons, humans couldn’t do.

They give me the Bravery to move forward,
The ability to embrace Change not avoid it,
They teach me that Creativity is most important, and
They give me the power to Believe in the imaginary.

That is why I will always be a Kid.

Happiness, Kindness, Warmth, Comfort, Praise.

That’s Why I Believe, So Why Do You?


*Lost In The World, As It Crushes Me. I Have Found Myself In A Place With No Reality. An Imaginary Place Where Happiness Reigns. A Place Where I Am Not Held Back By Chains. They Bring Me In When No One Else Would, And Teach Me Things That No One Else Could.*